Surviving The Tantrums

Question: You are shopping, you turn into an aisle and see a child screaming, crying, kicking and generally throwing a full blown tantrum. The Mother is clearly embarrassed and is trying to calm/control her child, wheel her trolley and keep her handbag from falling off her shoulder. It's a disaster. What do you do? What are you thinking?

I have been on both sides of that equation and if I am completely honest before Robin came into our lives if someone had presented me with that situation and I had to answer those questions truthfully, firstly I probably wouldn't have done anything - Englishness? Wanting to avoid embarrassing situations? Fearful of being rebuffed?. Secondly I would have assumed that the child was probably overindulged or spoilt, maybe a lack of discipline and boundaries at home.

I can look back now and wince at myself, but that's because I have been on the other side and it's not a nice place to be.

From very early on Robin disliked to be held or touched unless he wanted to be. Until he was 3 we didn't know why. It's quite upsetting as your instinct as a Mother is to hold and reassure a crying baby or toddler, but in Robin's case that could sometimes make the situation worse. It was quite a problem crossing roads when he was a bit older as he might not want to hold your hand and you would have to hold his wrist crossing the road while he was twisting away from you, but basically we respected the fact that Robin didn't like to be touched and felt we were being given something pretty special if he did come and sit on our lap.

Loud noises, sirens, bells, balloons were all sources of terror and could send Robin into a complete panic. The inability to process our explanations of why something could not happen now or something he had seen in the shop wasn't going to come home were constant sources of disappointment and tears which could go to a full tantrum. Later after help with our Speech Pathologist we started to speak each other's language and we could deflect this with better use of language and short sentences.

There were several occasions where Robin has had a wowzer of a tantrum in public. I remember two particularly. One was after we had been to the circus. I hadn't been sure whether it was going to be a good thing, there were so many variables. Loud noises, clowns with painted faces it could all potentially go horribly wrong, but my Father really wanted to take the children and Robin was quite certain he wanted to go.

We saw the bouncing castle on the way in and Robin was very excited by it. We were running late and needed to get our seats so we quickly moved along. The circus went well, although it was really hot under the big top. Dad got the children a drink and some glow sticks and it all seemed fine. I did notice that during the trapeze act Robin was not watching the show but rather the play of lights on the big top from the glitter ball and wondered whether he was getting a bit maxed out with all the input.

As we were leaving Robin saw the bouncing castle again, pointed and made it very clear he wanted a go. It had been stifling in the tent, it was hot outside, it was time to go home. I tried to explain to Robin that they had had enough treats for one day, it was time to go home. He wasn't having a bar of it. Once he realised that it really was time to go home he fell apart. He fell on the grass crying and refused to move. He was small enough at that age that I could just about pick him up. He clawed at the grass and was wriggling and kicking in my arms and started screaming. People started to look and stare. I kept telling him that I was sorry, but we had to go home. We managed to get to the car but the tantrum was still at full rage. I half expected someone to come up and accost me for trying to abduct a small child.

Finally we got him in the car but he kept undoing his seat belt. I sat in the driver's seat and said, 'Robin, we have to go home. We will sit here until you stop. You need to calm down.' Finally he stopped undoing his seatbelt and I started to drive home. On the way there he took his shoes off and threw them into the front of the car followed by anything he could get his hands on. There wasn't anywhere for me to pull over so I kept going. Once we got home he went to his room and started throwing everything into the corridor. I thought it best to just let him get it all out of his system and let him do it. Dad went to his room and cried. He had never seen Robin throw a full blown tantrum before. Eventually once he had calmed down Robin came out of his room and said "I'm sorry Mum. I'm a naughty boy.' At that point it was Ok for a hug and an explanation of why we had had to come home and he could accept both.

The other major tantrum that I remember was in the supermarket. Robin had spotted a car in one of the aisles and wanted it. It's not something I had ever encouraged or we would have to buy one every time we went in. I said, 'no, Robin. Maybe we could get one for your birthday?' Off he went. I was almost through my shop and really didn't have the time to just leave and come back at another time, so I thought I would just press on. He was screaming and crying, people were staring and some were tutting. I managed to get to the checkout, paid for the shopping, trying to hold Robin on my hip. Most people in the queues were staring and making comments, when an old lady came up to me and said, 'I think you are doing a great job, would you like me to help you with your things to the car?' It was very humbling and I burst into tears. It was such an accepting and kind thing to do.

Now I NEVER make judgements when I see children throwing a wobbler, and although Robin is older now and more able to understand that you can't just have everything you want when you want it, I never get stressed or embarrassed now if he does. It's Robin, we love him, and other people can go hang!

Survival Tips:

1. Try and stay calm. If you get upset or anxious it will only make things worse.
2. If you can remove yourself and your child away from the situation to somewhere quiet.
3. Remember it really doesn't matter what other people think.
4. Although it seems like forever at the time, usually tantrums don't last that long.